- ‘Aww, come give Mama a kissy!’
Our pooches give and demand affection pretty much 24/7, yet crazy dog owners get needy for some lip-smacking action too. Nothing wrong with sharing the love but always best to check exactly where they have been first though, as those snouts do find the most unpleasant of places!
- ‘It smells like something died in your mouth.’
So, you move in for some slobbery Mumma-dog loving and whoaaaa, you get a knockout whiff of your hound’s ‘death breath’. What smells like a nuclear combination of rotten mackerel, fox poo and egg means that it is time for the doggy toothbrush.
- ’LOOK ATMYLITTLEBABYWABYWEEBIES, WHO’SMUMMA’SLITTLEKOOCHYWOOCHY?’
So, Rocky is twelve on his next birthday, but you still insist on talking to him like he is a cutesy newborn baby, in that slightly strange, high-pitched voice that sounds like you have been larking about with a helium balloon. At least you haven’t dressed him up in human clothing at any point though. Seriously, like you wouldn’t do that, would you?
- ‘Should we go for a W-A-L-K?’
Now, this melodramatic question is compulsory talk for crazy dog owners. Often answered by a cocking of the head, panting and tail wagging (of dog, not owner), this is guaranteed to be the one time of the day that your pampered pooch sits at your feet in a rare display of good behaviour. Enjoy this brief moment of sanity.
- ‘Oooh, well done, you!’
He has been toilet trained for years and tends to do his dog business in familiar places but you can often be seen in action with a poo bag, cooing to your furry sidekick and congratulating his achievement with high praise, followed by a biscuit. The neighbours don’t call you the crazy dog lady for no reason. Just don’t high five your marvellous mutt at this point, unless you are wearing gloves.
- ‘Stop licking your butt.’
The staple dog revenge tactic. Not given him a second breakfast? Be warned. Often performed in public places and when in full view, your shameless mutt will make no bones about showing off his icky-licky party piece to everyone in the park.
- Full blown conversations
You know the drill. At least once daily you have to engage in a full (yet clearly one-sided) conversation with Fido. You don’t care that your pooch hasn’t got a clue what you are saying, you just pretend they do anyways. If someone heard your lengthy conversations with your dog they’d write you off as completely off your rocker.